Category Archives: nostalgia

Wreck-It Ralph will likely be a better Mortal Kombat movie than the Mortal Kombat movie

I recently had the experience of watching the Mortal Kombat  on Blu-ray. If you’re looking for something to do and have access to Mortal Kombat on Blu-ray I highly recommend doing nothing instead. If for some reason you’re walking around your home with it and you trip and it flies out of your hand and into your Blu-ray player, don’t you dare press play.

Honestly, I don’t know why studios release Blu-ray versions of 90’s CGI-heavy movies. High definition is not always a flattering and in some cases it’s like watching sausage get made: you are made privy to details and textures you were better off not knowing about.

As a kid, all I ever wanted was a decent video game movie. As an adult, that hasn’t changed. I don’t want it to be decent by existing video game film standards. I’m talking passable in a general cinematic sense.

I saw Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within in theatres. I was in 6th grade at the time. As I’ve written previously, the FF series on the SNES was my jam growing up. I’m not really sure what I was expecting, but what I got was a weird computer animated movie about ghost aliens and Steve Buscemi.

A quick glance at the movie’s IMDB page has revealed to me that Alec Baldwin also did voice acting for the film. Good for him?

Disney’s upcoming film Wreck-It Ralph looks like it might give me the kind of cinematic experience my inner child has been yearning for. The movie follows former arcade game bad guy Ralph (voiced by John C. Riley) as he jumps from game to game because he’s sick of being the villain.  If any of the terrible things I’ve yelled at Donkey Kong are any indication, I’d also get sick of being the bad guy in an early 80’s arcade game.

The trailer, which contains a fantastic use of Talking Heads’ “Once in a Lifetime” as well some other shitty song that totally isn’t “Once in a Lifetime,” contains cameos of several video game characters. These include:

  • Bowser from Super Mario Bros.
  • Dr. Robitnik from Sonic the Hedgehog
  • That weird Rhino boss from Altered Beast
  • Zangief and Street Fighter
  • Kano from Mortal Kombat
  • Pac-Man
  • Clyde, the dumbest ghost from Pac-Man
  • A zombie which is presumably from House of the Dead

Jack McBrayer also voices one of the main characters. In addition to continuously being the best part of 30 Rock, he also has some really good advice for keeping your bitches in line.

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Let’s Talk About Speed Runs

The problem with video game speed runs is that they aren’t particularly impressive unless you know the game. Watching some dude beast Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts in less than 40 minutes doesn’t translate well to a general audience. If anything, the fact I see some intrinsic value in such a feat will likely distance me from normal people. And then they will push me down and no one will ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Fortunately, The King of Kong has done a nice job of injecting an understanding of video game world records into the public consciousness. This is mostly because King of Kong isn’t a documentary about video games as it is a story of good vs. evil or, at the very least, a story of adorkable vs. douche-incarnate.

You don’t need to know anything about Super Mario 64 to appreciate the world record holder for fastest 120 Star run.  Clocking in at 1:47:10, Twtich TV’s Siglemic record breaking run is an interesting watch simply because how calculated every single second is. Watching the whole thing is completely unnecessary; skipping to any part of the video below should suffice.

Watch as he pimp slaps my childhood.

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The undeniable strength of Nintendium

So the NES does work, it just needed some coercing. Considering all the blunt trauma the console has going through over the years—the amount of times it had fallen the top of the TV in my youth is staggering—the fact it works at all is nothing short of amazing. Or so I thought.

Evidently, early Nintendo have a penchant for being nigh-indestructible. Some listless googling brought me to a Gameboy currently housed at the Nintendo World Store in NYC that is still operational after being blown the hell up in the Gulf War.

I also owned an original Gameboy but, unfortunately, I succeeded where the Gulf War failed. My second most vivid childhood memory involves me tripping up the stairs with my Gameboy in hand. I fumbled the Gameboy and ended spiking it on tile floor at the top of the stairs because I was a huge putz. Although physically sound, it never turned on again.

Sadly, my most vivid childhood is from when I was 8 and saw a banner ad for a website that promised me pictures of women having sex with loaded firearms. As you might expect, the banner also featured a woman with a gun in her vagina.

My family’s early adoption of AOL was not without a price.

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NES and SNES located

It took some rummaging, but I found the totes with all my Nintendo and Super Nintendo stuff at my parents’ house.

Although not related whatsoever to the purpose of this blog, I also found a sand wedge given to me by a kid  in the throes of a panic attack when I was 12.

The orignal owner of the club managed to hit another kid square in the face while attempting to approach the green from a sand trap. The kid he hit happened to come out from behind a tree at the exact wrong moment and, consequently, had to be taken to the hospital. Sand Wedge Kid felt so bad he about the incident he ended up puking in a water hazard. He also wanted to throw the offending sand wedge into the water because he was convinced the kid was going to die in the hospital and they were going to use the club to convict him for murder.

I pointed out that they’d find the club the next time they drained the hazard and he was better off just giving the club to me. In my defense, I didn’t have a sand wedge.

But I digress.

The SNES works flawlessly. The NES not so much. There’s a store called People Play Games off the Belmont Red Line that fixes old consoles. I’ll see what they can do.

Fun fact: my NES has some weird, dried adhesive on the top from when I decided affixing my T-ball trophy to it was a good idea. For sake of clarification, I did this as a kid.

I think the bigger issue there is that I thought a participation trophy was cause for celebration.

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